This programme contains some strong language 2 0
SHE LAUGHS
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys! 4
# She's Mrs Brown
# That's Mrs Brown 6
# Our Mrs Brown. # 7
Hello! 8
And a very happy Christmas to you. 9
Or, if you're Jewish, happy Hanukkah. 10
Or if you're a member of a cult... 11
..the end is nigh! 12
Oh, look, do you like my tree this year? 13
- AUDIENCE: - Whoo! 14
I know it looks odd - Buster got it in a closing-down sale. 15
It's electric, look. 16
MOTOR WHIRS 17
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 18
MOTOR POWERS DOWN 19
It's what I dreamed of for Christmas - 20
a nice tree with swinging balls. 21
Oh, look at this now, a dirty nappy. Ugh. 22
You just missed Maria - she was here with the babies. 23
She dropped in. 24
HE SNIFFS 25
Urgh! 26
I smell shit! 27
Yes, you do. 28
Well... 29
I mean it, Grandad. 30
You smell like something that lives in a pigsty. 31
And you're like something that fell off the Welsh flag! 32
- AUDIENCE: - Ooh! 33
SHE SIGHS He won't wash himself. 34
Safest place to hide something from him is under the soap. 35
I've cleaned the house four times today already.
I'm trying to keep busy, keep my mind off Rory. 37
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 38
- Hi, Agnes. - Tea, Winnie? - Oh, yes, please. 39
Any news from the hospital? 40
No, and it's been four hours. 41
I think Rory is mad. 42
I mean, he's a fine-looking fella. 43
He wasn't happy with the Botox. 44
Yeah, but plastic surgery, Agnes - that's going too far. 45
- I hope it's not too radical. - Oh... 46
- Morning! - Good morning, Cathy. 47
Any news? Rory should be well out of surgery by now. 48
Nothing yet. 49
What's that banging?! 50
There's no banging! Go back to sleep!
Oh...
What's wrong with Grandad?
Dermot and Maria took him to a movie last night,
some feckin' horror thing. Now he thinks the house is haunted
by something that died and won't cross over.
You're looking in the buckin' mirror!
Ner...
- Hey, Granny. - Hello, Bono.
Look at you, a little fairy.
- I'm an elf. - Oh, excuse me.
Well, Mammy? Any news from the hospital yet?
Nothing yet, and I'm worried.
There's nothing to be worried about, Mammy.
Plastic surgery is nothing nowadays.
- I know someone who died of... - MUFFLED: - ..that.
Buster!
- Do you want a cup of tea, love? - Nah, Mammy.
Just dropped in to give Grandad his Santa suit. Here, give it to him.
- Our Santa's Grotto opens tomorrow. - Oh.
I'm on my way down to record a radio ad for it.
Radio ad? Ah, you're getting very professional.
- Are you doing it yourself? - Yep.
Well, what does the ad say?
Drop into Finglas's own wonderland.
See flying fairies and holly berries. Fairy dust!
- Mirth is a must... - Hold, hold it, hold it.
No, no, son. I'm not feeling it.
You need to do the actions, you know?
You know, you can't just do that.
- It's on the radio! - HE LAUGHS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Drop into Finglas's own wonderland!
See flying fairies and holly berries.
Fairy dust! Mirth is a must!
Come be jolly among the holly.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Where's Bono?!
Bono? He's here, Betty.
Dermot Brown, have you gone mad?
Taking him out of school to work in your grotto?
Whoa-whoa! Relax, Betty - I was home-schooling him.
Forget it!
Bono, go out to the car.
Oh...
- AUDIENCE: - Aww.
Any news on Rory yet?
No, and the audience thinks you're a bitch.
LAUGHTER
Fine. See yous later.
Now we've no elf!
He's just gone with the ice queen.
I'd better go. We'll think of something, Buster.
- My God, she can blow in and blow out. - Hi!
Oh, Dino. Hello, son.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, he's out of surgery
and the doctors said everything went very well.
Oh, mother of God, thank God.
Now, he said he did have to push the cheekbones...
..higher than expected...
- MUTTERING: Higher than...? - Mm-hm.
- ..adjust the ears a bit... - What?!
- NASALLY: - ..flatten the nose...
NASALLY: Flatten the nose? Eh?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
..and plump up the chin.
- Plump up the chin? - Oh!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But, other than that, he expects a full recovery.
- Oh, thank God. - Mm.
Rory will be out and home tonight.
CHEERING
Home?
Dino, why don't you bring Rory back here to stay for a few days?
You know, I can keep an eye on him while you're at work.
- Just till he gets better. - That's a good idea, Mrs Brown.
I think it is, yes.
Right, I'm going back to the hospital.
Rory's on a liquid diet for the next 24 hours,
and he's dying for a grande salted-caramel mocha frappuccino with a shot.
A coffee.
- Well, buckin' say "coffee"! - Oh!
Here, I'll go back with you, Dino -
I can drop in and see Rory on my way to work.
Oh, Cathy, how did your computer date go last night?
- It's tonight! - Oh.
- I hope he's as handsome as his profile picture. - Ooh!
- Here's Jake. - Oh, Jake?
He is handsome.
- My God, Cathy, you could be on to a winner there. - Maybe.
THEY GIGGLE
Oh, he's a looker all right, isn't he?
Yeah, she's a looker, but, knowing her luck,
Jake'll turn out to be a buckin' serial killer.
- Or worse! - Yeah, married.
We'll see.
Tea!
I'm getting it.
Love is blind.
Well, nothing like marriage to straighten out your eyesight.
Well, as they say...
SHE SIGHS
- LAUGHING: - What do they say?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
They say... SHE WHISPERS
Yes!
Just relax, relax.
We can get someone else.
Yeah, knowing her luck, Jake will turn out to be a serial killer.
Or worse!
Yeah, married.
You know what they say,
just because a horse looks good doesn't make him a banjo player.
No, Winnie! Nobody says that!
- Do they not? - No!
- Here you go, Grandad. - Ah.
- God, that's an odd-looking tree. - Yes.
Buster got it for me in a closing-down sale.
Er, what was closing down?
- He didn't say. - Oh.
Here.
MOTOR WHIRS
Oh!
Very nice!
Get a selfie! Get a selfie!
MOTOR POWERS DOWN
What will they think of next?
What's the coin slot for?
I don't know, but Buster said, "Never put coins in the slot."
DOORBELL RINGS
I'll get that.
Hello, Mrs Brown.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
WOLF WHISTLING
Hello, Father.
Come in, Father. Come in.
CHEERING
Winnie, what are you doing?
Looking for coins.
Ah, you have to put the coins in to see what happens.
Winnie, stop it. I know it's tempting,
but Buster said don't, so no.
Is he here for the exorcism?
No, he's here to rehearse your funeral.
Oh!
Pay no attention to him. What can I do for you, Father?
I just popped in to see what time Trevor's flight gets in.
- I was going to pick him up at the airport. - Six o'clock.
You're not going to go like that, are you?
Oh, gosh, no. I'm just on my way back from the gym.
Dropped in, you know?
- Working out then, Father? - Oh, yes.
Look at those abs.
CHEERING
Seriously, Mrs Brown...
..here, hit me.
- Oh, no, Father. - Go on!
You don't want to do that, Father. No, no.
- No, no, go on! - Father, you don't want to do that, really. No, no.
GO ON! HIT ME!
APPLAUSE
Right. Six o'clock it is, then.
Six o'clock it is.
- Hey, Winnie. - What are you doing, Agnes? Making soup?
No, Winnie, I'm mixing cement for Donald Trump's wall.
APPLAUSE
Well, you're great at that "DYI" stuff.
Look whose home?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, Rory! You're home!
Come in and I'll get you lying down comfortable, son.
Oh, God love you, poor Rory.
- Now, son, let your head down there. - There we are, Rory.
I have this, son!
- Now... - There we go.
I have it!
Right, then. I'll pop back to our place and get some clothes for Rory.
- You do that. - I'll not be long. - Oh, take your time.
Do you want your Yin-Yang cream?
He has cream for his "Yin-Yang"?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's a conditioner.
He puts conditioner on his "Yin-Yang"?!
Shut up, Winnie!
Rory, love, I'm making you some soup.
Dino said you were on a liquid diet for 24 hours.
I'll just get you some. Winnie, come on.
HE GROANS
HE YAWNS
HIS GROANING INTENSIFIES
- HE FARTS - OH!
Mummy! Mummy!
I'm not your feckin' mummy!
HE WHIMPERS
- Winnie, keep an eye on Rory. - Right.
- LOUDLY AND CLEARLY: - How...are...you...feeling...son?
Win...nie!
He...had...plastic...surgery!
He didn't turn Chinese.
DOORBELL RINGS
Winnie, here, take that.
All right.
Feckin' kids!
Was that for me? Is it Jake?
No, it's nobody!
WINNIE SIGHS
I don't think he likes it, Agnes.
Winnie, that's his eye.
I'm sorry, son!
Rory, I'll get you some water.
DOORBELL
- Winnie, get that door, will you, please? - Right.
Feck's sake.
It's Cathy's date, Jake.
Well, bring him in and sit him down, for God's sake.
Right.
Move the camera back.
SHE SIGHS
Right, I'm off.
See you, Winnie, bye.
Huh!
DOOR SLAMS
Hello, Jake. I'm Cathy's mother, Agnes.
Pleased to meet you, Mrs Brown.
Pleased to meet you, son.
I'll just tell her you're here.
CATHY!
JAKE IS HERE!
Would you like a cup of tea, Jake?
Yeah, yeah, thanks very much.
Cathy is so excited about the date.
So am I.
Oh, good.
Now, son, there you go.
Thank you.
Er... Sugar?
Oh, I'll get it for you.
No, no, no, I'll get it myself.
Oh, good man.
I'll just go and tell her that you're...you're...
..that you've arrived.
Cathy, love, you look gorgeous.
Oh, thank you. So, what's he like?
He...
He, he's very...
- Handsome? - He's very handsome.
Does he look like he does in his picture?
Identical to his picture.
Cathy, they're...they're lovely high heels.
Would you not wear flat shoes?
Oh, no, Mammy, I like these.
Wear flat shoes, please.
CATHY SIGHS
He's not there!
Oh, he's there, all right.
Cathy, look, please wear the flat shoes.
- Please. - I like these, Mammy.
MRS BROWN SIGHS
I think I hear my date!
Oh, you are beautiful!
And you are...
Jake.
He is Jake.
Jake.
Well, I thought a movie and then maybe a drink or two in Foley's
and then let's see what happens, eh?
L-L-Let's see what happens!
Sure!
No, hang on.
Mammy, you wanted me to do that thing tonight.
No.
Come on, Mammy, remember you said it was important
that I stayed in tonight for the...thing.
Oh...
..no.
Fine.
Goodnight, Mammy.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He-he-he-he!
That's nice!
I couldn't get over the size of him.
Oh, he's a nice man.
And good goods come in small packages.
Well, if he was dating my Sharon, I'd be worried for her.
If he was dating your Sharon, I'd be worried for him.
Jaysus, if Sharon walked down the street with him, people would go,
"Oh, there's Sharon McGoogan...
"..with her lunch."
So, when the bandages come off, are you going to look like him?
Him?
What about him?
- AUDIENCE: - Whoo!
Whoo!
Here, Father Damien, is plastic surgery a sin?
Er...I don't know.
I know vanity is a sin.
Here, Trevor, look at those babies!
You done a great job, Marko, the grotto looks brilliant.
No probs, Dermot.
HE CHUCKLES
We still have no elf, though.
It can't be that hard to get someone.
All you need is somebody with pointy ears and an attitude.
You busy, Betty?
Feck off, you!
Here, did you see the local car wash has closed down?
God, and I thought that place was really busy.
Apparently somebody stole one of the machine's brushes.
Must have got clean away.
- Look at them all. - SHE CHUCKLES
Old enough to drink!
Jesus, only seems like yesterday they were all babies.
Yeah.
My Sharon has really blossomed.
She'll be having sex soon.
What time is her break?
What can I get you, Cathy?
A Prosecco, please.
And what would YOU like?
My date will have...
A pint, please.
Right, a pint.
And a life jacket.
I'm sorry about that, Jake.
Ah, don't worry, I'm used to it.
Ah, God, look at Cathy, all grown up.
And on a little date.
Yeah...
..very little.
Time flies.
I remember being pregnant, sitting there, holding me bump,
all excited, waiting to see me little girl.
Well, you didn't know it was going to be a girl.
I did!
Winnie, there was no scans in our day.
I know! But I knew by the way we... you know.
What?
Well, at the conception, if he's on top, it's going to be a boy.
And if you're on top, it's going to be a girl.
Well, in that case, Cathy should be a puppy.
Does it hurt here?
Here?
In here?
Well, as far as I can tell, everything seems to be healed well.
So what now?
- Now it's time to remove the bandages. - Oh, Jaysus!
TENSE DRUMBEAT
HE GASPS
Oh! Oh, you're so...beautiful!
Right, I'm off, then.
Is it sore, Rory?
No, it's not too bad.
Stunning!
Wow.
I'm sorry, but somebody has to say it. I don't see any difference.
Ah, no. There is a bit of change. See around here.
That's just swelling.
- It will go down. - Oh!
I don't see it. Turn around, show Mammy.
Mammy, what do you think?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, what do you think, Mammy?
Who the fuck are you?
THEY LAUGH AND CHAT
I just told him straight out. I said, "We just don't fit."
But what could you do? I mean, you're so lanky.
Lanky?! It wasn't MY height.
- It was his. - No, no. I know that. That's what I meant.
How did he take it? Did he go mad?
I was expecting him to be disappointed at least,
but, no, he just smiles and says,
"You don't know what you're missing."
- Did he storm out? - No, he said he wanted to finish his pint.
So I said I had to go and just left him there.
DOOR OPENS
Are you right, Grandad?
- The kids are waiting for their Santa. Hiya, Mammy. - Hello, Dermot.
Hello, Dermot.
Dermot, hello.
Hello.
- How are you, Rory? - Oh, for feck's sake.
- Are you not picking up the boys? - Oh, God, yeah.
And I have a school run to do.
KNOCK ON DOOR
SHE SIGHS
KNOCK ON DOOR
DOOR OPENS
For God's sake.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Hello, again, Jake. - Sorry to bother you, Mrs Brown,
but did I leave my bag here yesterday?
Cathy, the jockey's back.
- I left my bag here yesterday. - Oh, yeah, I saw it somewhere.
Hang on.
OK, Mammy. We're heading off with Grandad.
- Everything ready for the grotto? - Just about.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All we need is an elf.
Don't even fuckin' think about it, pal!
Come on, Buster. Let's go.
Here you go. Did you come all the way back just for this?
- Erm... - Did you get your bag, Jake?
Yeah.
- Sharon... - You don't know what you missed.
Little jockey, big whip!
Sharon McGoogan, you come back here!
- Stop! - Argh! - What are you doing?
Coin slot. I want to see what it does.
You don't put anything in the slot.
And that's not a metaphor.
Buster said no coins in the slot.
- OK. - Rory, love, why don't you go and lie down?
- I'll head back to work, eh? - Fine. - Bye, Mrs Brown.
Bye, Dingo.
- I'm going to lie down. - I'll show you where your bed is.
I know where my bedroom is.
- Fine. - Fine.
WHIRRING
Oh-ho!
HISSING AND GURGLING
- AUTOMATED VOICE: - Drive your car forward. Drive your car forward.
Help! Argh! I can't reach me knob!
Cathy! Aargh!
- AUTOMATED VOICE: - Stop your vehicle now.
For God's sake!
MAMMY GIBBERS
It's the ghost!
Grandad!
I usually don't mind change. I take to it well.
I remember when my Redser died. I realised I'd be on my own.
At the funeral the priest said to me, "This will pass.
"You'll meet someone else."
I said, "Yes, but what am I going to do tonight?"
I know I should just accept Rory's change and move on.
Rory's always been a bit weird.
There's a weirdo in every family.
And if you're sitting there at home
thinking, "Not mine," it's probably you.
- Hi, Mammy. - Hello, New Rory.
- Are you coming down to Foley's for Christmas drinks? - You go on.
- I'll follow you down. - Are you OK, Mammy?
- No. - What's wrong?
It's you. You're not yourself.
I miss my Rory.
Look, Mammy. I may have a different face. And a different voice.
And I'm two sizes smaller in my shoes.
But I'm still your Rory.
What was your favourite TV programme when you were a child?
Ah! Blue Peter.
Why were you only ever at the zoo once?
Cos seeing the animals in the cages, they made me cry.
- AUDIENCE: - Ah!
You could have guessed those feckin' answers.
Say something.
Say something that will convince me that the
Rory I love is in there somewhere.
Hm.
I love you, Mammy.
- AUDIENCE: - Ah!
I'll see you in Foley's.
APPLAUSE
That's my Rory.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You know, change is a funny thing. Every spring, the clock changes.
Every autumn, the trees change their leaves.
And every winter, Grandad changes his underwear.
We have a little ceremony to burn the old ones.
I suppose the main thing is that Rory is whomever he wants to be.
And that takes confidence. And confidence is very important.
He gets that from his mother.
I'll see you at Foley's.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
SONG: Mistletoe And Wine
# The child is a king The carollers sing
# The old has passed There's a new beginning
# Dreams of Santa Dreams of snow
# Fingers numb Faces aglow
# It's Christmas time Mistletoe and wine
# Children singing Christian rhymes
# With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
# A time to rejoice in the good that we see
# A time for giving A time for getting
# A time for forgiving and for forgetting
# Christmas is love Christmas is peace
# A time for hating and fighting to cease
# Christmas time Mistletoe and wine
# Children singing Christian rhymes
# With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
# A time to rejoice in the good that we see
# With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
# A time to rejoice in the good that we see. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Merry Christmas! - Happy Christmas!